1 - Hassle your mom to get you two SL1200- MK2's (they have to be black), a Datec Exctasy mixer and a Pioneer SE-450 headphone, a mere $2100, that just a fraction of the allimoney right?

2 - Tell all your friends you have them. If you don't have any friends, just tell anyone.

3 - Since you probably already have the right clothes this is gonna be superfluous, but then again: make sure you get the dresscode right. When in doubt, monitor your peergroup.

4 - Read the right magazines (we prefer the glossy ones). When in doubt, do as in 3.

5 - Hang out in the right recordshops and find out when they get their shipments in. You will know if these shops are right if the people behind the counter wear the same clothes as you do. If not, adjust your dresscode.

6 - Wait untill the shipments arrive and try to get first listen. If you have to wait for hours, you have to wait for hours. We never said it was going to be easy. To kill time tell the other people in the shop that you have two black SL's, a Datec Exstacy and a Pioneer at home.

7 - Pick the right tunes. You will know which ones from step 4. Remember: you don't have to like them: taste is irrelevant.

8 - Hang out at the right clubs. Chat people up. Don't forget to mention you have two black SL's, a Datec Exctasy and a Pioneer at home. With any luck, they'll remember your face from the recordshops. Try to figure out who's important to hang with and who's not. Ask your mom for extra money to buy them drinks.

9 - Have someone with skills run you a mixtape of the records you bought in step 7 and bring it round to the clubs. Give it to the important people mentioned in step 8. If you don't know anyone with skills don't panic, just buy a cd from dj jean and stick that on a tape, it's probably mixed on a computer so it's bound to sound pretty decent. If you have followed step 7 you will have the same tunes anyway.

10 - Don't rest, if you hassle the VIP's long enough they might give you a chance to play. Turn up so often they wont even know why they say hello to you anymore. Buy them more drinks if necessary.

11 - When at home with mommy, try the stop/start button on your SL's. Make her listen. She'll tell you you're really good.

12 - Hassle the important folks some more (as in steps 8 and 9). Buy them some more drinks. While your at, it dont forget to repeat steps 4, 5, 6 and 7.

13 - You've done it! You've spent half your moms allowance, your arms are brown up to your shoulders, but you finally get the chance to open for that big-name DJ! Make sure you suck up to him/her and keep that liquor flowing. If you have followed steps 7 and 10 you shouldn't have any trouble with the crowd.

14 - Keep repeating these 13 steps and you're in there. Everybody will know you and with any luck they'll start buying you drinks. You will play so many times that you'll become a rich and famous dj and all the chicks will love you!

There you have it, dont thank us, because you know: we have only your best interest in mind otherwise, you're on you own sucker!

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